My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
This cat wants you to take your pills
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times