“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
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“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone