A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
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*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
my sentiments exactly
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Yup
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!