I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
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Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Yes my dude
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.