10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
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The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I needed a laugh this morning.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you