Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
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If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
all that yoga finally paid off
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
And that about sums it up.