there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
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Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?