cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
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“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
“I’m helping” 😅
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”