FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
You Might Also Like
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
hmm conte-me mais
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”