Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
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Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.