[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
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Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.