I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
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Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
True?
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?