I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
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This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
One of the best
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.