“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
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I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Solving a traffic jam
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.