Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
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my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime