Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
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Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Social distancing in Australia:
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.