Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
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Wake me when AI does housework
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Time for evil
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.