Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
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Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.