5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
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ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
The new Ring movie looks terrifying