I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
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3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I am, perchance
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Seek kebab; not attention
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY