Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
You’ll be OK
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.