[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
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Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?