Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
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The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Free him
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.