Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
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A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed