Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
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if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.