sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
You Might Also Like
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
everyone’s a critic
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know