LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
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The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Pot warmers of the day.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish