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[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
This took me a second..
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today