ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
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John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”