[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
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Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
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just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄