Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
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Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women