the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
You Might Also Like
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy