Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
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“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Every damn time
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.