I’m doing the lords work (judging)
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[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
dads on road-trips be like
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Not today
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*