Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
You Might Also Like
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich