People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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One of the best
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage