*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
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Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.