Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
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How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.