Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
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[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
And bowling should be called pinball
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
how was your vacation
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth