The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
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Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
*watches the world burn*
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.