just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
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[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
🤣😂
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
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“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
The Friday File.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.