I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.