i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
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Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.