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To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
two people or more is called a problem
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.