My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
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Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.