I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
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[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.