Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
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[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Some people were born into their job.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.