VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
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Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.