The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
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waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
ugh not again
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
How do dragons blow out candles?
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.