If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
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Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?